Hand of Lincoln or The Lincoln Bedroom
Scene 1
[Lights up. ABRAHAM LINCOLN, dressed to the Lincoln Nines (beard, hat, tall) enters carefully and plants himself center. He speaks to us.]
LINCOLN: Hello. My name is President Abraham Lincoln.
[A PLAYER sticks his head out from right curtain.]
PLAYER: FUCK you!
LINCOLN: [Screaming] SHUT UP!!!
[The Player removes himself.]
LINCOLN: [Breathes.] My name is Abraham Lincoln, the Sixteenth President of the United States. I’d like to welcome you to the Lincoln Bedroom. [Breathes.] There’s a lot of history—
[The same Player sticks his head out again from the right curtain.]
PLAYER: Hey, fuck you, man!
LINCOLN: SHUUUT!! UUUUPP!!!
[The Player removes himself, but slower this time, grimacing at Lincoln.]
LINCOLN: There’s a lot of history in the White House, but none so famous as the history behind this single room. Over the years, hundreds of statesmen, war heroes, entrepreneurs, artists, actors, and other guests of the President have stayed in the Lincoln Bedroom.
[The Player enters from stage left, plants himself just inside the bedroom, and crosses his arms.]
Why look here--! [He walks upstage and picks up an invisible vase, not seeing the Player.] A Ming Vase given to President Calvin Coolidge in 1923. [He puts it back and turns to us.] Priceless. [Breathes. He walks left.] Or take a gander at this ornate comb used by First Lady—
[He stops when he sees the Player. The Player, having made eye contact, flips Abraham Lincoln the bird.]
LINCOLN: [He ignores the Player and walks around him.] Or this grandfather clock, which has kept time in the Lincoln Bedroom for one-hundred and thirty years! [Breathes, wary of the Player’s presence.] You can almost picture Mary Todd Lincoln, standing by the window, praying for the preservation of our Union’s—
PLAYER: You’re a fucking son of a bitch, that’s what you are.
LINCOLN: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!
PLAYER: Make me, asshole.
LINCOLN: [Breathes.] Thank you for visiting the Lincoln Bedroom. The next tour will begin at one-thirty.
PLAYER: Over my dead body, jerk!
LINCOLN: [Ignores him, but seems unsure of what more to do.]
PLAYER: [Shoots him the bird.]
[Black.]
Scene 1
[Lights up. ABRAHAM LINCOLN, dressed to the Lincoln Nines (beard, hat, tall) enters carefully and plants himself center. He speaks to us.]
LINCOLN: Hello. My name is President Abraham Lincoln.
[A PLAYER sticks his head out from right curtain.]
PLAYER: FUCK you!
LINCOLN: [Screaming] SHUT UP!!!
[The Player removes himself.]
LINCOLN: [Breathes.] My name is Abraham Lincoln, the Sixteenth President of the United States. I’d like to welcome you to the Lincoln Bedroom. [Breathes.] There’s a lot of history—
[The same Player sticks his head out again from the right curtain.]
PLAYER: Hey, fuck you, man!
LINCOLN: SHUUUT!! UUUUPP!!!
[The Player removes himself, but slower this time, grimacing at Lincoln.]
LINCOLN: There’s a lot of history in the White House, but none so famous as the history behind this single room. Over the years, hundreds of statesmen, war heroes, entrepreneurs, artists, actors, and other guests of the President have stayed in the Lincoln Bedroom.
[The Player enters from stage left, plants himself just inside the bedroom, and crosses his arms.]
Why look here--! [He walks upstage and picks up an invisible vase, not seeing the Player.] A Ming Vase given to President Calvin Coolidge in 1923. [He puts it back and turns to us.] Priceless. [Breathes. He walks left.] Or take a gander at this ornate comb used by First Lady—
[He stops when he sees the Player. The Player, having made eye contact, flips Abraham Lincoln the bird.]
LINCOLN: [He ignores the Player and walks around him.] Or this grandfather clock, which has kept time in the Lincoln Bedroom for one-hundred and thirty years! [Breathes, wary of the Player’s presence.] You can almost picture Mary Todd Lincoln, standing by the window, praying for the preservation of our Union’s—
PLAYER: You’re a fucking son of a bitch, that’s what you are.
LINCOLN: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!
PLAYER: Make me, asshole.
LINCOLN: [Breathes.] Thank you for visiting the Lincoln Bedroom. The next tour will begin at one-thirty.
PLAYER: Over my dead body, jerk!
LINCOLN: [Ignores him, but seems unsure of what more to do.]
PLAYER: [Shoots him the bird.]
[Black.]
1 Comments:
That's AWESOME.
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